Post #91 – Мені Сумно

I love a girl.
I think she knows it.

I don’t think she loves me back.
I think she is in love with someone else.

She said she might move away, across the country.
She didn’t say why. But I think I know.

How can I tell her I love when she she feels so distant from how she used to be.
How can I win back her heart when I don’t even know how to express my feelings to her.

I love her, but all I can do is step aside and watch my world fall to pieces.

I don’t think she ever felt the same for me, but it’s hard to say.
I loved our deep conversations on many things.
I loved going to the Astronomy Centre.
I loved how you’d say good morning to me everyday.

For you presence was always there, and it always warmed my heart when I saw you.

But now, now you are gone.
No more do you wish me a good morning when you get up.
No more do you seem enthusiastic to read my messages when I say hi to you.
No more do you make me feel welcome in your presence.

Perhaps that is just me.
Perhaps that is me mis-interpreting the situation.
How it feels you are trying to get rid of me, when you say otherwise.
Or were you truly just using me for a ride home that day?

I’m always happy when I see you,
And I love joining you for coffee, but I also feel that I am inviting myself to join you rather than you wanting me to be there.

You gave me your number after the fact.
Why?
What does it mean?

Are you testing me?
Are you trying to keep an opwn line because you know you will soon be gone?
Or are you trying to throw me a bone to see how I will react?
Well, let me tell you; I don’t know how to react.
I am beyond confused.
I love you, but I feel like an emotional roller coaster with you.

You make me feel welcome,
You make me feel unwelcome.

You make me feel wanted.
You make me feel like an accessory.

You make me happy,
you make me sad.

Well I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
One day I won’t be there when you reach out – if you ever reach out.
Lately you feel more reactionary than proactive.
Is it because of him?

You guys get the benefit of working together.
You see eachother, eye to eye, each day.

I don’t get this luxury.
I work at night. I am all alone.
I see no one.
I love no one.

All I have is me.
And all that matters is me.

I don’t know if this is me saying good bye, or asking for clarity.
I don’t want to lose you,
You are one of the three great loves of my life.
But Alas, three, Such is the story of my life.
As it has been, so it shall always be.

Just me.
Alone for eternity.
Doomed to walk forever in darkness.
Perhaps one day I will see the light.

But for now,
Good night.